Ive taken a break for a couple of weeks, being away with my partner and friends in SW England and at a festival.
Before i went i was feeling very flat and demoralised again with my practice. This is something that hasnt happened before (been taking photographs for 30 odd years) but has happened twice on Identiy and Place.
First of all, lets get this out of the way, it is nothing to do with the quality of the course or my tutor. My tutor has been fantastic throughout – a great mix of encouragement, support yet prodding and challenging me where I need it. And I quietly smile to myself when she’s intuitive enough to know which one I need – wise stuff and immensely helpful.
The course content is exactly what I wanted it to be – a challenge in the largely unexplored arena of people photography. So that is also good.
While on holiday I hardly picked up a camera. It felt like I needed a break. I did read – I used the time to really try and get under the skin of the more difficult texts such as Barthes and Sontag. I was asked to take some photographs of my partner and her colleagues at an award ceremony.
A bit messy. Could have arranged them better. Shows where my head was at the time.
This lack of motivation created a loss of inertia, a downward spiral, a loss of confidence, apathy and procrastination.
So what is going on? How do I get my mojo back?
I have really dug deep into myself during my time off to try and learn why.
I think one thing is work pressure. Ultimately photography is foreced to be a hobby to fit in around work. When work is busy and stressful (and it is just work, not anything that feeds my soul) then my energy for other things is diminished. But that is just reality. A reality faced by many others on the same path. But work hasnt been / isnt great.
I’m also suffering from something I call ‘People paralysis’. I find it harder to motivate myself to take pictures of people…sometimes. I took these photographs of strangers at a festival a week ago. I think the difference is that they knew they were ‘supposed to be’ photographed at an event. There was no ‘approaching strangers’ hurdle to ask them involved:
So it isn’t a fear of people per se. Its a fear of approaching, of supposed to be there in that role of photographer. I need to work hard to overcoome this but, equally, i need to enjoy my photography again by taking images of things that inspire and interest me.
This fear drives a procrastination which is hard to overcome after a 12 hoour working day and a hot dinner in the evening.
Yesterday a friend asked me to share some photos from the events above. This I did, to the expected oohs and aaahs on Facebook of those I was there with. And suddenly Im back. Motivated, and thinking about Exercise 4.3 again. But why do we fall into these lulls, waste time and struggle to overcome them? Especially when it is something we know we fundamentally like to do?